A Reality Check

I know this post is a bit more personal than what I’ve posted recently, yet I don’t want to lie about where I am at.   Over the past few months I’ve really been struggling in life, and I don’t want to pretend otherwise.    Ever since I read the book To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee in High School, I have been really struck by the character Atticus Finch.  In To Kill A Mockingbird, Atticus is the same man in public as he is at home.   Since reading this I have strived to be just that.  Recently I was challenged with that, and I thought that I haven’t been totally up front with my feelings and challenges that I am going through in life.    And while I do try to filter what I post on my blog so that it is appropriate for the audience, I started this blog with the intent to not only post about the good and fun things in life but also the struggles and downs in life.   

I had a friend message me yesterday asking how I was doing and my response surprised even me.  I had never really been able to put my feelings into words, but I noticed I did express myself quite well this time.  So the paragraph below was my response to the question, “How are you”

To be honest I’m torn.   I’m excited to have started a new job, tho quite worried about this semester at college as it will be a huge stretch and likely quite overwhelming.  I also don’t really feel settled.  I mean truly settled.  I know this is where God wants me for now, but I seem to not be able to accept it at heart.  I long to be back up in Canada, tho I know I will get little to nowhere if I don’t accept that God has me here now and not in Canada.  I don’t have close friends here nor do I feel well connected at a church- tho I’ve been going to one for a couple months.  I feel lost and discouraged.  I feel disconnected and blah.  I don’t feel like I belong and I think that is because I can’t let go of where I want to be.   I struggle in my walk with God, struggling with what voice I’m hearing, with spending quality time with Him and with expressing my thoughts and feelings (in words/speech, in writing, or any way else).  I fail to see life where I am.  I even had a suicidal thought earlier this week, I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts in 5-10 years.  I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t like it.  I feel more depressed at times and really struggle to accept and believe truth in my heart that I would’ve trusted without a doubt 8 months ago.  I am struggling to love myself so that I can love others as myself.  I feel crappy (I don’t care much for that word, but it seems to really describe how I am feeling).  I don’t know, I’m losing confidence and care.  I use to pray tons and believe strongly in prayer, yet now I struggle to remember and be motivated to pray for others and I notice that I lack belief in many of my prayers.   I feel lost and confused.  I keep going over truths in my head, trying to remind myself of what God has said and what His Word, The Bible, says, but I still find myself lost, or so I feel.  I feel that I’ll losing a love for life, which is completely ridiculous and absurd, yet I struggle to find the lines that kept me up.   I know God is with me, but I don’t always feel it.  I find myself having less and less excitement for each day.  Days just go by and that’s that.   I know that I am valued yet with all of this doubt and confusion and blah-ness, I struggle to see/know/believe/trust it at heart.   Some of life just seems to be words on a page.