A Valley Has 2 Mountains

Yesterday was a really had day for me.   I was feeling really discouraged and really challenged.   I kind of just felt Blah. I actually just became quite frustrated both with myself and with God.  While at school in the afternoon, before my evening class, I listened to a message online from Koinonia called "House Keys - Worship" (https://www.kcf.org/message/2017/11/7/house-keys-worship) and then as the message was wrapping up Pastor Bryan mentioned that the worship team was going to play a song, (which wasn't recorded) so I headed over to YouTube and listened to the song there.  While I was listening to it, I felt God saying to me to write down all my questions I have right now.   I didn't want to do it.  I had a quite a handful of questions I thought, and I feel like I'm being overwhelmed by them.  I told God that I know myself and if I write them all out in a list as He was asking me to do, I will just become even more overwhelmed by the list.   But He insisted.  So I opened up a word document and started typing out my questions.  At first they started with each new topic of questions was on a new line, but my thoughts then turned to a rant journal full of questions in long paragraph form.  I had no idea all this was inside me.  But it kept coming out.  By the end with over 2,000 words, I was amazed at all the thoughts and questions that cam out.  In the mean time I had let YouTube just do it's cycle of playing the next worship song on the list in the background.   Some of the songs were very timely to where I was at in my timing.   Writing everything out took at least half an hour, likely more.   I was questioning what I was praying and believing for; I was questioning myself; I was questioning God; I was questioning life; I was questioning my thoughts and my purpose; I was questioning past, present and future.  I questioned just about every topic it seemed.   I just was down in the pits as it felt like.   I didn't know; I didn't understand; I didn't see; I didn't feel; I didn't comprehend.  I felt lost, confused and down.  

After class as I was in my car, I stayed quite a bit later in the parking lot as I was downloading some music.  I started with adding to my music some of the powerful songs that I had been listening to earlier, as I was writing out the questions and thoughts on my heart.  That lead into some more worship songs downloading.   Anyways as I was doing this God reminded me that I hadn't spent time in His word yet today, so I opened up the bible and asked Him where to read.  I felt I heard Him direct me to Job 4.   So I opened up to Job 4 (in my NIV Bible) and read:

Then Eliphaz the Temanite replied: 

"If someone ventures a word with you,

will you be impatient?

But who can keep from speaking?

Think how you have instructed many,

how you have strengthened feeble hands.

Your words have supported those who stumbled;

you have strengthened faltering knees.

But now trouble comes to you, and you are discouraged;

it strikes you, and you are dismayed.

Should not your piety be on your confidence

and your blameless ways your hope?

I was just like, Whoa God!   Then I heard the still small voice say "John 14:1", so I headed there.  John 14:1 says:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. 

You believe in God; believe also in me."

Again I was like, Whoa God!  

From there I kept hearing "John 13:2"  which says:

The evening meal was in progress, and 

the devil had already prompted Judas, the 

son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. 

I would read it then look else where as I didn't see any revelations or other meanings in it.  I assumed that I was hearing the wrong voice.  But it kept coming back.  Finally I thought, "maybe there is a word in there that I should look up; a word that may mean something different than what it appears."  So I read through it again, slowly, emphasizing every word.  Nothing stood out to me that I should look up, that is until I got to "...Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot,...".  I suddenly questioned, "I wonder what Iscariot means?"   And that lead into a mini study that took some time and also took me thorough out the Bible in several different chapters in the Old Testament.   - For reference and study I use an app (and website) called "The Blue Letter Bible".  I would highly recommend it to anyone who wants to study the Bible.  It offers tons of versions of the bible, along with abilities to highlight and make notes.  Plus for each verse there are tons of verbal and written commentaries, Plus verse-by-verse study, explanations, meanings and commentaries for each book.  On top of that it offers Cross references, Translation comparisons, dictionaries, and (my favourite) and Interlinear / Concordance.  This concordance includes the original Greek text, and a word-by-word list of whatever verse you are on that tells the English word, the root from Greek word, the audio pronunciation, the Strong's concordance number, TYheayer's Creek Lexicon, Strong's Definitions, Transliteration, part of speech, root words, outline of Biblical usage, KJV Translation count,   where that word appears in that same form elsewhere in the Bible and so much more!  Plus it will read it to you.   And even better, it's all free and the app has no ads.   Now after that little ad, :) , on with where I was going.

After a long while I headed home with some worship music playing in the background.  On my way home I asked God, "If this is you, if I need to crumble (as I felt that I could do on the inside) then let me crumble hard and all the way that I may come out of it stronger.  But if this is not you, if you are not wanting me to crumble, then help me be encouraged so that I may come out of this."   

As I was approaching the stop sign that is at the corner of the Schlipf's house (where I am living) I stopped and put the car in neutral.   And in a breeze of fresh boldness and encouragement, I let Satan have it.  I gave him a whole speech. I told him where I stand, and that I stand with God and God is with me, no matter if I can feel it, see it, understand it or know it, He is with me.  I rattled on and on to Satan declaring that I am God's.  I started naming off scripture of what God says of who I am.   I founded myself on God, and made that clear to Satan.  I made it loud (literally) and clear that I will not heed to Satan's schemes and attacks.  My allegiance is to God alone.  This went on for quite a long time.   It seemed that with every word that came out I was more confident, more bold and more encouraged.  So I kept on talking and letting it all out.    Even when I do not understand; even when I don't like it; even when I do not feel God; even when I do not feel loved; even when I feel lost; even when I feel confused; even when I want to collapse inside; even when I am discouraged; even when I am weak, God is with me, God is for me, He only has good thoughts about me, He is on my side, He dwells in me, His spirit is in me, He has given me authority and power to do what He did on earth and even more, He works all things together for good in my life because I love Him, He has not left me nor forgotten me!   I can rest in Him.  

Then I burst out praising Him and singing with joy and laughter.  Just then I got a text from Renee (my aunt) asking if I was alright.   'Oh yeah, I hadn't really noticed that it was nearing 11pm and I am normally home between 8-9:30pm.'  I texted back my exact thoughts: "Haha, I am doing Wonderful!!! 😜  Praise God!!!"  After I sent it I was amazed that I sent that after the depressing day I had had earlier on.   Praise and Glory be to God alone!   He is so Amazing!!!!