A Painful Reality: Heartbroken & Emotional

For those who don't know, I have left a major part of my life out of my blog the past few months.   I haven't talked about it for several reasons, but one being the "publicity" it would draw seemed too much for some all at one time.  However I am free to share this now.

Back in early April of 2017, I was crushed with the news from my parents that they were no longer going to be living together.   This has been really heavy for me and super hard emotionally, and it still is.   I still have a really hard time comprehending that this is the life I am now living in.    They are not divorced, which I am really thankful for, but they are legally separated for the time being.   I was crushed so heavily by this as I, along with my siblings, have grown up thinking my parents marriage was always great.   I had heard them say from time to time that they were in counseling, and I just assumed that was what a good marriage needed, like there is not perfect marriage, so the more counseling you can get the better I had thought.     Other than that I had no further thoughts, really, on that.    However throughout all my childhood, for as long as I can remember, I have memories of random thoughts that would go through my head questioning, "what if my parent's were divorced?"  I always tried to ignore those seemingly strange, false and horrible thoughts as they were not pleasant ones to think about.  Also I just tried to dismiss the thought as I "knew without a doubt" that my parent's marriage was great.  

So when I heard this depressing, life shaking news, I literally felt like I was living my worst nightmare - and I am still living that nightmare.    I do not know fully what to think of it.  Nor how to comprehend it or live with it.    My heart is crushed - I hate thinking about it.    I hate living with it.   I know hate is a strong word and I truly try to avoid using it, but I hate divorce and anything like it.  The best thing for me to do, and pray, not worry, and live on with Christ.  But how???

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT) says, "Don't worry about anything: instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.   Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  

I do not fully know the meaning of this now.  I thought I did, but now that I'm living a nightmare that I cannot escape from I really need God more than I thought I did.    I don't understand this now.   I so struggle with how I cannot worry about ANYTHING yet to talk to Him about everything.   He has blessed me with some of His peace, yet I still do now understand it - which now thinking about it, I suppose that makes sense, as it says in v. 7 that God's peace exceeds anything we can understand.   I felt lost and heartbroken, I still do.  Yet I know that is not where God want's me to linger, but to live with it and go on with what and where He has called me/sent me.    I struggle with the "how's?" and the "why's?" and the "What's?" of it all.  

The first person that I talked to it about, told me some valuable words that have really stuck with me.  I don't remember much else that was said by that person in the short conversation, but this stuck out.  It was something along the lines of, 'if you go into relationships knowing people are are not perfect, then you will be less crushed when they fall.'  That is something that I did not do in this case.  I had poorly assumed all my life that my parent's marriage was perfect, and I was painfully smothered when that "reality" was proven false; when what I thought was perfect broke.  

In John 14:6 (NLT), the bible reads,

And Jesus told them, "I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me. "  

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (NLT) says,

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.   God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.

Though the past 4.5 months have been the worst and hardest days of my life, especially the few weeks following when I got the news, those days have also been the best and most comforting days of my life.   I have never felt so loved in my life before as I have the past 4.5 months.   I never expected to be suddenly surrounded with so many people who deeply care and came around me and comforted me.  People who helped me talk things out and work through pain.  People who just loved on me.    People who showed me God in it.  People who lead me closer to God in the midst of my pain and sorrow.   People who gave their time and energy to support me in this time.   I am so loved.  I have never felt this loved before and I am so thankful for that.   I pray that God will turn around the love and comfort and blessings that each person gave to me, and give it back to them 10 times over.   They were life changers in my life.    God is Sooo good!

In John 14:27 (NLT) Jesus states,

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So don't be troubled or afraid." 

Isaiah 41:10 (NLT) says,

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.