Coins, Coins & More Coins

Financial Update:

Having several debts now, my financial state has become a bit more serious - which is good in the way that it literally forces me to keep to a budget.   I have an immense debt of $10,000 to pay off my car, plus I had over $2,000 in debt to my credit card company, Discover.   The two thousand was primarily coin investments, predominately the Large "silver" Eisenhower (IKE) Dollars (non-silver coins).  

I felt that God has been leading me to not get a second job, but to spend my extra time with Him, digging deeper into Him and His word, and just spending more time with Him.    I know, without a doubt, that He has told me He will provide, and I trust Him on that, in whatever way, time, form, amount that He chooses.  Within that extra time, I have also filled some with working on selling my coins on eBay.   Yes eBay has large fees, but I purchased an eBay Basic Store Subscription for $28/month, which reduces many of the final fees by 4%.   Meaning if I sell $700 each month, I have saved myself money overall - the money saved will have paid the store subscription cost. I have spent hours upon hours upon hours posting more and more and more coins on eBay.   In all of this, I felt that God was leading me to keep my focus on Him.   I had told Him, that I wanted to do that, yet at the same time I also felt like I needed to sell my coins to help pay my bills.   I felt Him basically saying, 'focus on me and let me sell your coins.'   I still have to do the work of picturing, posting, packaging, organizing, shipping and all of that, but to not worry or focus about selling my coins and just let God do that part.   It has been quite hard, but effective.   I don't want to say that it is a clear equation for all circumstances, but God is using a gift and love of mine to answer a prayer of motivation to spend more time with Him.  He works in mysterious and wondrous ways.

Anyways, as I focus on Him, my coins sell.  I have sold tons and tons of coins.  fact I have just reached my $700 mark today, and I didn't really get into the full swing of selling until the last week or two.   But now I am in the full swing of the business market and am keeping many coins up online, even when more sell.   I currently have well over 100 listings (each containing anywhere from one to one hundred coins), and I have sold well over 150 listings already.   Though some sales I am nickel'n'diming on, I am still making profit for the expenses  I have put into them.    God has even blessed me with free or cheaper materials in many cases.   When I helped my aunt Cindy move, last, last weekend she gave me a bunch of packages and envelopes to use to ship bulk coin purchases.   eBay gave me, as a store owner, $25 off their name-brand shipping supplies.   I used the $25 to purchase about $23 worth of eBay large tissue paper for packing - I got 250 sheets for free.   PayPal notified me that if I spent $50, they would give me $10 off.  So I paid $40 for a handful of quite helpful and valuable to my business packing supplies, such as labeling stickers, a heat-sealing machine and plastic bags for coins to be sealed in, and a larger and much more actuate (than what I've been using) scale to tell me how much shipping will cost.   Plus, by accident, Grandma Baurer and I noticed on eBay that you can purchase USPS Forever Stamps in bulk for a cheaper rate than the post office.   So, combining Discover's 1% cash-back, an eBay 10% credit-back (I forgot to use the Ebates 1-8% cash back), and the already low prices of the stamps, I was able to get 300 forever stamps for under $0.36 each.   (That now offers me $0.14 extra saving per stamp for each lot that I ship - I've already used probably over a hundred stamps).   The post office also showed me how to get exact postage amounts so I am not wasting money - so through them (for their face value) I bought 2, 2, 5, 10, 21, and 71 cent stamps, and they gave me a copy of their sheet of prices per package and per weight.  

In case you or anyone you know has an interest in any of these coins, I will post a link to my eBay Store below.

https://www.ebay.com/str/leminlimecompany

God has been enormously blessing me with my coins that He has entrusted me with.  I normally don't sell much during the week, but He has been working differently that what I'm use to, just as I've been spending more and more time with Him (Which I am thoroughly enjoying by the way!).  Just last night alone, I got bids on 31 different listings!  I don't know if I have ever had that many listings have bids on them at a time!  WOW GOD!!!  And to top that off, even though I've had a handful of problems with customers and my shipments to them (one never arrived, one not on time, one heavily damaged and missing coins, one with a postage charge/fee, etc...), God has given me the grace, patience and wisdom to handle each situation well, and I have all  100% positive feedback!

Now, I still have well over 2,000 coins to post - many are the Eisenhower/IKE dollars, though there are a lot of other coins too.   So I will keep plenty busy, and yet, I am blessed to be where I am, and to have this work.  I really do enjoy doing the business of selling; for me there is a great joy in it!  And God provides, just as He said He would.   Yeah, it is a lot, and a lot of work, and it takes tons and tons of time, but to me it's worth it.   I am growing, learning, and enjoying the process (Just as I am writing this, it occurred to me that there seems to be very few times where the process is enjoyable in life).  Thank you God for letting me enjoy the process!!   

Spontaneous 18-Hour Round Trip?

Two and a half weeks ago I, along with everyone else in our class, received an invite from one of my SLI classmates asking if anyone wanted to serve at this year's SLI Graduation night, which was this past weekend.   The idea of going to serve at that event got me quite excited, and I replied back saying it was possible I would be able to make it for Saturday afternoon/evening to serve.    I thought this could be possible for several reasons, 1) I enjoy driving, 2) I was about to have a great car (this was before I bought my car) with wonderful fuel economy, therefore I'd be able to make the trip a lot cheaper, and 3) to serve there, and to be with Canadian friends and family excited me.  However, much to my great disappointment, I felt God saying "no" to going.  I relented for a while, and kept pushing and asking, hoping that God would give me the okay to go, I even set up with my aunt Laura Baxter my housing for that weekend, but He never gave me what I was looking for.  Finally I couldn't relent any longer, and I submitted to God and confirmed that I wasn't going to go.  I told Laura I wasn't coming and left it at that.   

The way God works, leads, and directs and or answers, in the moment of asking, can be so mysterious.   I did not understand why I couldn't go.   But He saw things that I couldn't see at the time, and directed me the best route knowing what all would happen.   First I found out that my cousin up there gave birth to her second baby, Leo, five weeks early.   Knowing that bit of info (via my mom) it became more clear that that week/weekend may be quite a bit busy for the Baxter's, and me being there could have added more stress.    Secondly, once a handful of friends found out that I potentially was going to be up there, they all wanted to plan hangouts.   But hanging out with friends wasn't my purpose in wanting to be there - yes I want to hang out with them, but that wasn't my primary purpose.  And knowing my limited time there (less than 24 hours) that started to build a great stress about the trip.  So deciding not to go was almost a release.  As my mom put it, if I'm going to make the trip to Canada, go on a long weekend so I can have time with friends and family.    

Thirdly, my car.   When planning this trip (leave Saturday morning and return Sunday evening (I worked Friday till 5pm and also Monday at 8am)), I was planning on having a great car with great MPG and no problems.   However, with my car having break problems and such, I now the the benefit of not going.     At this point, I do still feel that my car is safe to drive, but I also feel that I would not be comfortable taking it on a long trip until the breaks get worked on (I have another appointment at the Toyota Dealership on Friday).   

Looking back at all of this, though it was sad to not make the spontaneous trip to Canada last weekend, I am grateful that God directed me based off of this knowledge that I had no idea about at the time.   Thank you God!    He is so, so, so good, all the time!

What Does Trusting God Look Like?

This morning I took my 3.5-day-old “new” car into the Toyota Dealership to get the breaks checked out.  Actually, I had thought they were going to fix them as well.  They had quoted me about an hour and just under $40.  I arrived 10 minutes late to my appointment and dropped off my car.  Two and a half hours later I got my car back, and the nearly $40 charge was waived due to the length of time they took.  However, I got more than just my car back.  

Along with my car came a stack of paper and a short conversation informing me of needed and recommended repairs for my car.  First off, they were not able to repeat the sounds I’ve been hearing in my breaks and they didn’t know what the problem was, though when I drive, it is very clear something is wrong.  They told me that it would be good to replace my break pads and and rotors, costing $409.29.  Secondly, they informed me that I have two tires that have tread below the legal minimum limit, a cost exceeding $300.  Thirdly, they found a side marker light bulb and a park light bulb inoperative (each costing just under $25), the cabin filter needing to be replaced (a $42.95 replacement), along with other needed and recommended repairs such as wheel alignment ($89.95) and the air filter ($29.95).  In all they estimated over $1,000 in repairs, none of which are covered by my cars 15 day limited warranty.  

So I find myself in this dilemma, knowing that some of these repairs, such as the breaks and tires, really do need to be fixed soon.  But I also know that in three weeks I will have a $700 credit card bill, and every month for the next 3-5 years I will have car payments of $150-$250.  And I have nearly no cash on hand.   I have a ton of coins that I am selling, and I hope and pray they sell quickly to help with these expenses.  

Yet, in all of this, I find myself doubting, wundering, worrying, with anxious thoughts.  In this, I was reminded that a week ago I had high confidence that God was with me and in on this car purchase, and just days ago I was confident that God, who allowed me to get this car, was going to bless me through this car.  And here I find myself doubting. I was then reminded by the Holy Spirit of the word of God. Just as I read this morning, Philippians 4:6-8 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.”  I was reminded of a testimony of a couple at church during our War Stories series who went to buy a house and the inspector told them the house needed $10,000 in repairs before they could move in.  Not having the money, the couple cried out to God worrying what they should do.  Then the sellers of the house offered to pay the cost.  After the repairs, another inspection took place and they were told that the house needed $30,000 in repairs.  The couple freaked out again.  But looking back the husband said they should have trusted, knowing that God had provided once, He can provide again.  The sellers offered to cover the second cost as well. Then a third inspection was done, and even more was needed.  This time the couple trusted God would come through just as He had done before, and He did and they were able to move in.  I know in my heart that God is faithful.  In the Bible, from Genesis to Revelation we see over and over again Gods faithfulness and direct words, declaring Him faithful.  I need to trust Him in this situation of mine.  

Though all of this I was brought to the thought at work today, “What does trusting God look like?”   And though I can’t say it all, for I know very little of it all, I can say what I know.  Trusting is not worrying.  At all!  No worrying, for God says through His Word, which is true, “Do not worry about anything”.  Trusting God is giving circumstances and situations to Him.  Again, Philippians 4:6 says, “ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  Trusting God is to ask, with prayer and petition, with out any worry, and with thanksgiving; to ask expectant and with hope.  Noah Webster’s 1828 first American dictionary defines “hope” as “the highest degree of well-founded expectation for good.”  Trusting God is to come to Him with Hope, giving Him The highest degree of well-founded, Word-rooted, faith-filled expectation for good.   

Philippians 4:4 proclaims this decree for us, “Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!” And when we come to God rejoicing with thanksgiving, expectations, petitions and prayers, “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).  

I do not understand the circumstances around me, but I know that God is a good God,  and He has declared that because I love Him and am called according to His purpose, He will work all things together for good for me (Romans 8:28).  I am challenged by what Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-13 when he says,”...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (And, haha, the way God works, this is what I read while I was waiting for my car to get done).  

I know that God is faithful, and I know that He clearly told be before I bought the car, “I will provide.”  I know that when He says something, He will do it.  I don’t know how or what or when, but that it will be done.  I was confident that God was with me in buying this car and that He okayed it along with His promise to provide, so I should have no doubt in trusting that He will work this little situation.  I can go back into history and see where He provided out of the blue and continually fulfilled His promise to me in His own way and in His own timing.  I know that God is with me, and He will never forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6; Hebrews 13:5).  Deuteronomy 31:6 states in confidence, “Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  

A Step To The Next Car

In other big news, I finally came to a conclusion about a car.  I had been searching excitedly for another limo.   Though I offered it to God, asking Him to give me peace if He want's me to get a limo, and if not to take all peace and desire for it.   Shortly after starting to ask that, the limo I was hoping to get sold, and almost every bit of peace and desire for it left, just like that.   So I started my hunt for fuel efficient cars.  The most logical one to me was to get another Toyota Echo.  I've had great experiences with Echo's in the past and they get good mileage (and I can fit into them well).  Though, Echo's are much harder to come by in the US as they didn't do so hot on the market as they did in Canada.   

During my searches, I had a conversation with my dad that led me to considering a Toyota Prius.  Through some research, and talking with a Prius owner and several dealers, we found that they are quite reliable and cheaper and less likely to have a hybrid battery failure than we had thought.   The night after my dad and I had that conversation we met again and test drove several Prius's.  Then we sat down and calculated out the costs.  We wrote out all the numbers from initial cost, resell cost, fuel, repairs and all that such costs, and concluded that I would save about a thousand dollars a year getting a Prius verses, say a Chevy Impala that gets 27 or so MPG.  Both my dad and I went together and spent time in prayer over this and that next morning, I felt God speak to me quite clearly.    

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About a week or two ago, God spoke to me something that He told me a year ago when I was praying about this past year.   He had told me "I will provide."  I look back and can see, WOW, God did just as He had said, He provided.  It wasn't always in my timing or when I wanted provision, but He provided.  When I couldn't afford this bill or that expense, He provided.  He was faithful all the way.   About a week or two ago, God spoke to me again, telling me (regarding this next season, I believe) saying, "I will provide."   I can hold on to that and remind Him of it, but most importantly, remind myself of it.  He is and will be faithful.  

When God told me this time that He would provide, I felt that it covered the idea of getting the Prius.  I was also reminded that He had given me peace about buying this Prius before I knew this Prius existed.   That itself wowed me.   When God told me He would provide, I had replied saying that I didn't want to take His promise of provision and run foolishly with it, buying this car for such a high cost.  Yet He told me not to worry about it, He would provide.  I felt that He was in it and was freeing me to buy the car.   Also lots of peace and desire for this car came in abundance.   

So I called they used car dealership in Tremont (Tremont Car Connection) and put a hold on they car (via a small $100 down payment).    I had found a way to get a loan for the full cost, but I wasn't able to get the money until the following Monday (this week).    

After returning from Indiana on Monday, I headed out to the shop to get the car. I picked it up and it was beautiful.   

As you can see the car is red and pretty sharp looking.

The car is the 2013 model (3rd generation).  The first two generations (up through 2009) are too small for me.  I do fit in them, as the Prius has great head room, but when I sit up straight I am not looking directly at the windshield, but rather the sun visor.   The option to lower the seat didn't come until the 3rd generation in 2010.

The car has just over 135,000 miles on it and it runs great.  Prius's are know for running for a while, and it's also a Toyota, so it will run good for a while.  

Also, with being a Toyota, it will hold it's value well.   Yes I won't likely be able to sell it for more than I bought it for, but I'll still likely be able to sell it for a lot.   Then again, I've sold every car I've bought in the past for more than I paid for it - God has quite blessed me when it comes to cars.

Now this is interesting.   The stick to shift is kind of spring loaded.   The car is an automatic, but I don't believe it has a transmission or anything like that.   When I move the stick into D, it puts me in drive, but the stick returns to it's spot - same as N, R, and B.   Now the B is new to me.   The B is engine breaking.  If I want to save on my brake pads, I can engine break while driving by shifting into the B position.  

Also what's interesting here is there is no place to shift into P.   Park is not an option there.  But if you notice just to the upper left of the stick is a P button.  Yep, Park is a button.  When you want to put the car into park, just push the button and the car will be put into Park.  

The car is quite spacious for such a small car, and it has great head room.   Overall, It is a great car for driving.  

I haven't sad in the back seats yet, but they look pretty roomy too.

It has great trunk space too.  Not only that, but if you lift up the floor of the trunk (in the picture), there are more storage compartments under there.

Again the car is a Toyota Prius. 

And the Prius is a Hybrid, so it gets great mileage.   It is advertised to get 48 MPG on Highway and 51 MPG in town - I love the fact that you get better mileage in town.    So far I haven't gotten these numbers consistently, but then again I have only owned the car for  two days.  I'm sure I'll figure them out soon enough.  

Moving With The Stuckey's

This past weekend I got the privileged to make a trip out to Indiana to help some relatives move (The Stuckey's).  The weekend prior, my dad drove grandma Baurer out there, and then returned her car to the Schlip's house (where I am living).   Then last Thursday, I drove grandma's car to work, and then left work to head out to Indiana (~5 hours on the road).

I was planning to meet someone a little over an hour into the trip (near Kankakee IL) to sell my scrapbooking papers.   We had agreed on a price of $140 for all 550 sheets.   A little over half an hour into the trip I checked my phone and noticed a text and Facebook message from the lady I was meeting.  She explained through the message that she decided to calculate it out that day and concluded that she wouldn't pay any more than $40.   She was asking if that still was okay with me and if she should still plan to meet me or not.   I didn't feel that I could reply right away and not act on emotions.  So I drove a while, asking God about it, and then I pulled off to the side of the road and poured it out to God.   It was really frustrating.  My initial reaction was to back off and not sell it to her because she backed out on our agreement.   Though, $40 was still more than I had paid for the whole lot, even if it was worth over $300.   I was really frustrated and upset at this lady, yet God kept challenging me with several thoughts.  First, I kept hearing over and over in my head, 'Do unto other's as you want done to you'.    I knew deep down that If it was flip flopped I'd still hope and pray they seller would give me such a great deal on them.    I also kept hearing, forgive her.   That was a little harder.   But through time, God brought me to the place where I could forgive her.   I was reminded of the clip in the movie The Shack, where Papa tells the main character, you may have to say "I forgive you" a thousand times before it gets any easier, but it will.   I was challenged with that, so I kept repeating it, working it down into my heart.  I forgive you.   Knowing that I still needed to reply to the lady, I messaged her back.  God helped me word it, having me rewrite the message several times to not be pushing blame on her.   I told her that it was really frustrating that she broke her agreement, though I do forgive her.  I also told her that I would take $40 for them.   Then I got back on the road and drove on, filled with peace from God.   She messaged back and said that if I felt that frustrated then I should look for someone else to sell them to.   She wasn't going to buy them.   I was sad that it didn't work out, but I was also thrilled that God allowed me to go through that and how He worked such peace, love and life in me through it.  

I continued on my journey.  I arrived at the Stuckey home around 11:30pm Eastern Standard Time (I left work a little after 5:00pm Central Standard Time).   When I laid down on my bed, it felt amazing - It was so comfortable!  God blesses me so.

The next day, Grandma, Aunt Cindy, and myself got to work (as Cindy and grandma had been doing much of the past week - plus cleaning) packing.   We loaded boxes into a van and took them to Salvation Army, and then more and more loads over to the new house (about 10 or so minutes away).  That occupied most of the day.  It was a great day, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Saturday, was the furniture.   My cousins, Justin and Caleb, joined in as they were off work, and we moved tons of furniture from the old house to the new house.  A friend had brought over her sheep trailer and we hauled load and loads of furniture all day.  It was a lot of heavy lifting and Tetris-like thinking.  Again it was a lot of fun.  After the day of loading, unloading, re-hydrating and eating, we finished out aim for the day.  Justin, Caleb, and I sat down at the new house and played a great number of rounds of cards.   We played Fair Weather/Don't Get Cocky.  For the first handful of rounds we played the normal ways, but over time we decided to start adding rules.   We got to the point where we added a new rule almost every round, and they really made your mind have to think hard. Yet it was soo much fun.   It was like a combination of Fair Weather/Don't Get Cocky and Mouw.  

Saturday night (and Sunday night), grandma and I stayed at the old house, while the Stuckey's slept at their new house.   Sunday Cindy, Roland (my uncle), Grandma, and I headed to Broadway Church - which was amazing, to no surprise.    Sunday afternoon we rested.  Caleb and I started a wonderful game of ERS (Egyptian Rat Slap - or as some call it, Emergency Room Situation (because someone usually gets hurt)) in the living room.   However, out slapping grew too lowed and we were relocated to the basement.   We decided to play on the kitchen counter top in the basement - which concluded to still be quite loud - though it was a ton of fun!  After a while, we came up and talked with everyone who was up.  Then Justin, Caleb and I headed out for a park about 5 or so minutes away and went swimming in a small pond - which was quite warm.   Sunday evening, for Father's Day, we went to Cracker Barrel for supper - quite late in the evening.   We had some good conversations and good food too.   After returning to the new house, grandma and I said our goodbye's and headed back to the old house for the night.

Monday morning, Grandma and I left shortly after 8:00am heading back to Illinois.   We had great travel time without much traffic.    We made it back before noon Central time.    Overall, it was such a great weekend!!

Car Hunting

I am still on the hunt for a car.   I've been asking God for wisdom and direction for a car, but also to prepare my heart for what He has for me.  I've asked Him to give me a desire for what He has, and remove other desires.   Sad (kinda) to say, but as time has gone on, my desire for a limo at this time in life as been dropping.   And the last couple days, even I've been searching all kinds of other cars, not even looking at limos.   I am still searching and praying, but ideally I'd like to get a high mpg car, that is if I'm not going to get a limo.   From my local searching on Craigslist, I've found that some of the higher mpg cars closer to my price range are either VW Beetles or Toyota Echos - both are not very common at all, thus there is limited selection.   I've been warned about the VW Bugs, that I may not fit in them, whereas I know I can fit in the Echo's.    I contacted they guy of the only Echo (that I've found) on Craigslist in Bloomington-Normal, and now it's possibly just a waiting game - we will see.  I also need to sell my coins before I can afford the car.  I have someone who made an offer of $1,800 for a lot of coins I am selling (I have them advertised at $2,200) and I made yet another counter offer (for 40 less coins, yet still $1,800).  So I am waiting to hear from them about it - my main hesitation is I paid about $1,816 for this lot, so I'd like to at least break even.   Selling a big lot for nearly $2,000 is very attractive, as it would save a lot of work, and time, to prep, post, sell, and ship them all individually.   I ask for prayer that God would work His will in this, not mine.  

Home Alone

This past week I have been home alone.   The Schlipf's left last, last Monday morning for Texas for vacation (and they had a wonderful time I hear).   This past Monday, one week from when they left, just over half of the crew (3 out of 5) returned back to Gridley, Illinois.  The other two, Renee and Bethany, stayed to be part of a VBS program with many immigrants down in southern Texas.  They will return this coming weekend.  

While they were all gone in Texas, I kept busy at home.   Well, I was sick Wednesday and Thursday (thus missing work), but I was able to get lots of rest.   I also spent most of my time working on sorting coins and trying to sell them.   I had ordered 2,200 Large Eisenhower Dollars for an average of $1.24 each - a Great Deal in my opinion.   I have sold them on Craigslist in the past for $1.30 each.  Plus several hundred in these lots are uncirculated, increasing their value.   I've spent much of my time trying to sell them, along with my other investments, which are for sale if anyone is interested.   I am selling Eisenhower (IKE) Dollars, Krispy Kreme fundraiser certificates for  1 dozen original glazed donuts ($6 or best offer - I am very flexible on price - a dozen donuts cost $8.99), and Scrapbooking paper ($0.25 per sheet - New).  

I also got the privileged to head to Princeville this last weekend to spend a bit of time with Grandma Baurer - plus two aunts, Cindy and Jill, and one cousin, Karissa, came as my great uncle just died and his funeral was this weekend.    I had plans to head to Princeville several days earlier and spend some extra time with both my grandma's, except I got sick and was out until the end of the week.

This past Monday night I got another privileged, that is to go to my dad's, brother's, and other brother's place over in Tremont, Illinois.   The three of them are renting rooms in a decent sized place out in the country - a house our family had actually considered buying when we first moved to Tremont.   It was great to see the four of us guys all in the same room - it's been a while since that has happened.   We chatted for a bit and then (when the pizza was done) went a watched Antman (which I had never seen before).  Afterwards dad and I played 4 games of pool.    It was an amazing night - I loved it!

Build That Group

During the month of May I finished the fourth and last book in the novel series, The Wingfeather Saga by Andrew Peterson.  Upon finishing it, I felt deep within me a yearning for life as in these books.   God has spoken to me and right to my heart countless time though this series.  I highly recommend these books, though I caution they are very difficult to put down and are very addictive.  But if done with God, Oh my word, there is such value and strength and courage and challenge within its text.

 But in the last book, especially in the last few chapters, my heart felt so heavy for them (for the character's that is) - and it still does a bit.  Those last few chapters make me want to cry - it ends hard but with pure Hope!  It’s very good.  It’s hard to describe how I felt without giving away the end of the book (as I do really want y’all to read it).  There was and is such beauty and heart touching life in it.  Like how hearts were changed and the heart and pure-ness of John 15:13 seen so clearly and vividly with life that is giving. Holding to life and hope in God and strength in and through Him!  I cried just writing this.  Such pure surrender to save others, again in John 15:13.

 I cried over and over on this.   I want to bring the leadership at/and heart some of the characters have and the courage to take “that” step despite __________ (any- and every-thing).  I want to build/have relationships like what another character seeks, the love as deep as John 15:13 that some other characters have.  I want that group of people that are willing to sacrifice, even their lives, for others.  I want to be a part of that and be in that.

Then I heard God say, “build that group.”   (He was reminding me what He told day me in the Memories Cemetery well over a year or two ago, while I was in Canada). To which I replied, "How do I build it when I struggle with relationships (a lie that I've believed much of my life, but God is challenging and dissolving it now)?" He replied, "You only struggle because you don't want to."  I said, "God, you know my heart, I want to be part of that group."  He responded with, "You don't want to do the work."   Boom!  Deep down I knew He was right.  I want those relationships, but I don't want to to the work to get there.  I want to see lives restored; I want to see the lost found and the broken restored.  I asked God, "But where do I start?"  He replied, "Start with the prayer group."

(The prayer group is something He put on my heart a while back while I was in Canada for Wayne Keupfer's funeral.   Via someone else, He put it on my heart to start a prayer group at school.   However upon looking into it, to start an official group/club at my college, there has to be a president, vice president, secretary (I think) and a school staff member.  Meaning I have to start with a handful of people - that I don't have - rather than starting with just me and growing from there).

I again countered God with, "But I need other people for that."   He told me it's okay to start with just me, then I can invite other's to join from there.   But that means that I'll have to work on those relationships.  He asked me, "What if your struggle [in life] (the one I kinda want and know is coming) is lots of work with little visible progress/impact?"  I cried, saying, "So be it. I do not want that, I ask that not be so, but if it's your will God, then so be it.  I deserve it, I deserve much worse (yet You chose to save me by dying for my sin)."